It's rare if I can get Kindsay to church. And for some reason she seems to pick fast Sundays to attend, I don't know if it's to torture those of us fasting... probably.
She bought a new dress from Forever 21. New rule in my house--daddy doesn't go shopping with Kindsay. She got a gift card for her bday and I thought she would go nuts in their accessories, instead she comes home with a form fitting dress that has a wrap style so the front looks like two curtains over her legs. And it is street walker red. She puts it on for us....having an opposite hour glass figure wasn't really working in the dress.
I look over at Greg in disbelief that he would allow her to waste her money. "It said LARGE on the size." Ok...so buy it anyway? The style was the problem, it could be circus tent size and still be risqué for a girl of her age. I kept shaking my head...no way, no way. Kindsay could tell I was lifting up my foot, ready to put it down and she began her temper campaigns.
"Mom! I love this dress, I'm keeping it. Too bad, dad lost the receipt and I took all the tags off!" So, I tell her, you've simply wasted $20 because you aren't leaving the house in that. Then began the fun...she started to threaten me with the cops, suicide, CPS, all of which I agreed to...take me away... Greg sat there like dopey-do-nothing. Fine, I lament, if you wear a sweater over it people won't have to see the plunging neck line. Now she was excited to go to church, while I dreaded it.
So fast Sunday--we fast for two meals and donate the money to charity what we would've used for the meals. This means all the attending members had gone without breakfast as we sat in Sacrament. I'm a glutton or an idiot because I sit in the center of the room for all to see Kindsay's Halloween picnic. In her enormous backpack, that she carries everywhere and knocks people in the head with as she scoots down the bench to her seat, she has her Halloween bag. She sits down next to a man and her legs are wide open, which means those little drapes on the dress are now open too...not pretty. I jump up to sit between her and the man, who is a friend of ours, so we can reduce embarrassment on all sides, but Kindsay is mad that I'm pushing her down the bench towards her father while trying to shut the curtains. nothing to see here folks, just the usual.
Church is quiet, it's quiet, and while we are pondering the great sacrifice of our Savior I hear....riiiiiiiiiiip.....crunch crunch crunch.....riiiiiiiiip.....crunch munch munch munch.....riiiiiiiiiiiip....she's peeling wrappers away and eating candy like we are at the movies. I give her the stern look and go to take her bag but she cuts me off and slides to the floor so she can continue in a more subtle way.
Sacrament finishes and we all head to Sunday School. I sat on a bench to discuss ward business and Kindsay walks by as though church was her place and behind her is a man who points at her feet..."no shoes I guess!" I look down...how did I miss her size 10 bare feet? She was wearing nylons and we all know how she feels about pants, so nylons gave her the same icky feeling so they got the same rotten treatment of dismissal...into her bag they went and the hillbilly came out. I look straight ahead as though I neither noticed nor knew her. We then get to her youth class of which I am a part so she's in there with me. She curls up on the seat in a ball somehow, barefoot, chocolatey lips, chewing on her fingers in anxiety. It was only her 2nd time in the class, my 2nd as well, so we both stuck out looking like Penn and Teller. Shortly after class began, Kindsay reached her limit and slipped away without excuse. Bye. Ooookaaay. She was like a phantom or a dream because no one knew who she was, the adults didn't notice her, and she slipped away before I could show her off. She was like the phantom chocolatey hooker hillbilly of the church. There are now rumors circulating that she is only a myth....but we know how too real she is.