Oh Rebekah, Where Art Thou?

It was a difficult decision, but Greg and I moved our oldest child to Utah to finish her senior year of high school with her cousin. Born three months apart, the two girls have been close if not best friends their whole lives, even though they have lived 800 miles apart. Neither have a best friend at their home schools. It's weird because I think most girls do and here are two girls in my own family who have not established closeness with anyone but each other. Bekah spent the summer of 2008 with my sister's family and had a blast, but after the summer I was ready to have my baby home. My sister asked if Bek could stay for high school and I quickly refused...not ready to give up my baby. Let's face it, at this stage in Rebekah's life she would move to finish high school then stay on for college and bottom line be moved out of my home way too soon. But this and that happened and led Greg and me to make the decision with no hesitation. I drove Rebekah along with my old car, her new car...and left them both in Spanish Fork, UT. The nights that led up to her departure were difficult. We both cried quietly and secretly away from everyone and assumed the other was fine and brave and unscathed by emotion. In Utah I got her set up in the bedroom, filled out paperwork for school, and handed over whatever cash I had on me. I had trouble getting out of UT...no trains, no rental cars, no flights left until Monday...but I finally left and the tears poured. We both knew it was for the best, but who can accept such a drastic change without shedding tears? I got on the plane and flew home without another thought on the subject...just happy for her and her new life. My youngest son had already moved into her room when I got home. Little bits and pieces remained of Rebekah with mixes of Ty's favorite things dotting the landscape of the room. I opened her closet to find she had left quite a bit and figured I'd better clean it out. It was there that I collapsed and ached for my baby. My children gathered around me in awe of such raw emotion (I'm not an emotional person). Kindsay started bawling, attaching herself to my sadness. So there I sat, cleaning and crying quietly. All the memories, all the dreams I had when she was born, all the heartache I went through to get her through junior high--it was all done. New dreams and heartaches and delights are ahead, but when I look back at the little baby whose hair I had to pull together to make even the tiniest pigtails I feel a pit in my stomach and an emptiness in my heart. She was the calm in my home...the one I could count on to bring me some perspective. She kept me mainstreamed and in the know when it came to music and styles...and she was fun to hang with for lunch or a trip to Target. I fall apart every now and then when I least expect it. Those moments will come around when I look up and expect to see her there in front of me and that's when I lose it. It's just not fair that I have to have a baby, fall in love with it, and eventually let go into the world to make her way without me right beside her. And then there's Kindsay who will be down the hall for the rest of my life. I'm definitely torn...Is there nothing between being 800 miles away or 8 feet away? *sigh*